Enclosed in my self-imprisoned cell,
only the music a release.
On the otherside continual Parental interuption,
This soothing Solitude and escape.
Thhis madening Solitude driving lunicy and anger.

Musical Chants are phrased
Images and ideas swirl in the brain
the time wasted
brain numbing bordom
the need for constructive actions
if not for the music, insanity would advance.

The call of beckoning waves is in the air
A driving force to leave my cell,
as TV turns boring
the pictures are old
the room such routine.

Dec 1995

Death, DEATH! No one gets out of here alive,
Release of the soul into a newborn awakening
on the otherside,
How unjustifably Thrillfull it is strung upon us,
Why are we never for the inevitable?
The pain of loss and questions why rape the minds
of the survivers left with a hole in thier life,
To be filled with memories and tears
But never seems to fill to the top, always something missing…

So much unsaid, Questions unanswered,
Time Lost, regrets linger

Life through Death
the end has always been there
Yet it still leavesus, no matter how prepared,
left to conquer and/or cherish the worst of emotions the rock
the boat of happiness and sanity.

We are being led to the slaughter
into the darkness we march day by day
A place unknown we head
the unexpected we face.
What’s on the other side of morning?
Embodied with curiosity we fear.
What will become of a soul when the flesh has withered and perished?
A kingdom beyond death?

The myster of death eludes us all
with only one way for it to be solved…

“We live we die
and death not ends it,
Journey we more into the nightmare”
-Jim Morrision

Jan 1996

Family,
Relatives
Friends
Workmates
These Grim pickings don’t fit my description of
random natural Selection.
So Many dropping like flies around me,
Brings images of my own flodding to the surface,
And Silently Disturbs me….

Imagine nothingness
Surrounded in black
Nothing to see
Nothing to hear
The loneliness
The emptiness
Just a sea of black
And an insane silence

Self alienation
Mental reclusiveness
Mesmerized in a vast darkness of the mind

Sanity is not one lose….

(16/4/1996)

Condemned by workmates
Condemned by a friend
My mind is being corrupted,
Into something Im not
Need for revolutionary & independent way of thinking
To break from my former young, innocent, uneducatedself
Problems arise
Immediate action and growing must happen
Causing a “from the frying pan into the fire” effect
All this sudden pressure
“Real life” pressures on my head
Tension at work
Tension in a friendship
A holiday? That would be running from it
This must be faced and endured
And all will fall in to place – Fingers crossed…

Realism hits
Life must move on
Long time partner is exploring other avenues
Future flashes through my head
Loner, loner, loner
The question hovers
“Life by Myself”
Time will tell
Present status reads affirmative
Personal guilt trips, rejections, swirls of bad moods

I cannot take the pressure of self afflicting thoughts
Its driving me insane
Suicidal dreams
Dislike of women
This stupidity is fucked,
Yet it seems so real and true
Be it my fault or their fault
I must deal with it and work through it
At this point seclusion and alcohol seems by far the best solution
Drink myself into a private hell

Girl friends and partners
Life is so cruel to those less outgoing individuals
Social pressure rules our lives
This leads me into a spin
I am destined to be alone

It is now written
This is the toll life has paid on me
Emotional reclusiveness has burdened me
Life is Fucked…
I am fucked …

Lament for my friend
Alone and fearful
Scenes of black roses
Crucified kingdom
Misconception of life’s pleasures
A want for salvation from a hole of deprivation
Hanging on a fragile illusion of happiness
Naïve to the embrace of the damned
A seizure of reality
Leading to the masquerade of a free soul

Silence, confusion, fear, doubt and remorse
Entombed in a shell
Deaf to words of wisdom
A self restraint of fear of the unknown

19/9/97

It wasn’t my fault
Lack of social capacity on the others part
Living under a blindfold of distorted views

Its not my problem
Yet I am consumed
By emotional bondage

A black cloud of existence
Enshrouded by immeasurable anxieties
The talons of freedom barely scratch the surface

Its not my problem
Yet I am consumed
By emotional bondage

A mystical web
I’m captured
Words mean nothing
This has become a nightmare

I need to wake
I need to wake
And break the restraint

19/9/97

The maddening darkness surrounds
nothing to see but your
nightmares of fear

A black silence is piercing
the only sound your ravaged
heart beat from the sounds of your
nightmares of fear

A terrifying black
hands & Fingers clentched
to a point of cramping
as warm fluid oozes
from your grip

All the sickening emotions race to
the head and start to run down
your cheecks

Waiting, waiting for vision to return
and clarity of location fills as
padded walles turn from black to white.

(Oct ’99)